Breakups......................Decoding the male break-up & behaviour gene........

Recently the subject of guys and breakups came up and a friend and I went back and forth about what guys generally go through when they breakup.

Being someone who has had her share of heart breaks I realized I needed to clarify the situation so I sat a good (guy) friend down and asked him the age old question........"why do men seem so heartless after a heartbreak?" Women often feel they are alone in their mourning and the man seems bound from romance to romance with no mourning period whatsoever.

So what is the right amount of time to mourn a relationship after a break up? Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer. Time & patience are the best healers.

So my friend gave me some insight into the male behavior and why men act so after a breakup. To put it in perspective I will list out the characteristics of some men after a break up and put the justification beside it......

1) Have you heard the statement “When a guy’s relationship ends, he replaces her." or “He’s just hooking up with such-and-such to spite the ex-girlfriend,” or “Guys just don’t care”
Well reality is Breakups are hard on all guys.  The fact is: If a guy is profoundly obnoxious or terrible after a breakup, it is just testament to how rough the breakup was on him. Some people simply cope by lashing out.

2) Guy who breaks off and turns into a cold fish
Women are fundamentally emotional creatures and surprisingly so are men. The only difference is women tend to express that emotion while men tend to be more guarded about it. When women after a break up tend to call, text and stalk the guy 10 times a day after a break up while he turns a cold shoulder, many women wonder how they can 'rip the band aid' so easily.

The fact is when a relationship ends, it is much much harder for a guy to go back and discuss and revisit and talk through and explain, etc. etc.
In fact, guys like to keep their emotional spectrum focused on a tight range of emotions – somewhere between amusement and contentedness. So any interaction that a guy knows will bring him out of that sweet range of emotions is an interaction he’s going to do everything he can to avoid. It is not that he stopped caring. He probably wants the girl to be ok and happy but he realizes discussing it or bringing up old situations are not going to make anything better. So as a defence mechanism he turns cold. He avoids conversations about the break up, the relationship, does not answer calls or texts and when he does call you or meet you treats you like as if you are his classmate from college instead of a once upon a time serious girlfriend. Trust me.......I know how that feels and it hurts like crazy and most women do not understand how he could be so cruel. So while she probably cries every night to sleep she imagines him to be cool about it and playing his xbox at home chilling.

My advice to men is while I agree with your method treat it a bit like rehab. Don't completely withdraw from the girl from day 1. That's when she gets withdrawal symptoms and hurts her more. Start off talking and then ease out of it gradually. Gives you both time to get closure and cope with the situation and feel better in the long run. I have a guy friend who had no closure from his ex and ended up pinning over her for 9 years (till today). It is important two people discuss and mutually agree why they cannot be together rather than leave it in the air.

Remember.........Mystery is the most painful thing.....

But what about the guy that immediately gets into a new relationship right afterward?
This is a no-brainer – a guy does this because he doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to “deal with himself.”
If he jumps into another relationship, he can still maintain his dose of external female validation and self-esteem. It has its cost though and eventually devolves into a crippling neediness. Guys need to work their internal issues out, which brings me to another question…

But what about the guy that “goes off the deep end” and just starts hooking up with every girl he sees?
A guy once told me that “A man is devastated at the end of a relationship to the extent to which he sold himself out.”
What does it mean for a guy to sell himself out (in the context of a relationship)?
Every guy has a set of core values for who he is, what he stands for, and what he really wants out of life. Sometimes in a relationship, a guy will really, really love a girl and may start to compromise these core values. Maybe he changes his lifestyle, stops hanging out with certain friends, or changes his habits.
It seems innocent enough, but over time the guy begins to starve for whatever it was he got from the things he gave up. It changes the guy and, in turn, changes the relationship. As a result,  the relationship usually suffers and, in the case of this example, ends.
When the relationship ends, that guy is forced to evaluate himself – he doesn’t like who he’s become and he doesn’t like the fact that his relationship and his love brought him to this place.
So what’s the solution?… (or a solution)… Hook up with a bunch of girls and have a series of flings. I mean, think about it – no chance of love, no chance of commitment (which, in this wounded stage translates to changing oneself to something bad and misery) and plenty of plausible external validation that the guy is a “worthy man” since he’s getting so much ass.
Problem is, once the guy is done licking his wounds and mentally revisiting the pain of his past relationship, a feeling of loneliness will set in and hook-ups will seem empty and hollow.

So what does a guy do when he doesn’t go cold, jump into another relationship, or hook up with as many girls as he possibly can?

In my opinion, the best thing a guy can do is hang out with his friends after a breakup. Get some male perspective on the situation, forgive himself for what he wishes he did differently and take some time be single.
And when I say single, I don’t mean single on a man-whore rampage or single because he’s seeing a girl that he doesn’t want to call his girlfriend. I mean single – comfortable with not having an attachment for a while without going to an extreme.
Sooner or later, a guy will come to this place of reconciliation with himself and I think it’s essential that he does before he starts another relationship.
Long story short, if a guy acts extreme after a breakup, it’s his way of dealing with (or not dealing with) his emotions about his relationship and relationships in general.

Common sense............

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18 Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26 If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we All believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

39: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

What do happiness, sorrow and death all have in common?

Our ability to deal with it....................

After Miss India I was highly dissapointed and backstage amongst a lot of other finalists who didn't make it, all I could here were sobs, tears, anguish and I remember thinking to myself "I will not cry. Its only a competition"..........Even though I had the overwhelming feeling to burst out and cry I held it all in and got ready and went out for the final round with the biggest smile on my face which concealed my true feelings.

After a big competition or contest if one doesn't make it it is quite common to hear the mother of all cliches from the so called 'well wishers'. "Oh you should have made it" "You were the best, its totally rubbish" etc.........

It was during this time that I received an email from a dear friend. It is an email that has always been quite inspiring to me and that made me smile after listening to dumb clichés for weeks. The email was as follows:

I guess by now your Inbox is full of mails from friends quoting the familiar " You should've won / Next time " etc

Lets see If I can digress from the rhetoric.

I wanna share with you a definition of Success I recently came across.

Success  -  The progressive realization of a worthy Ideal.

I felt it had a profound meaning for me. You see as I grow and change I realize that it is not the trappings and glamor of the goal that is the real prize ... But the Pursuit of an Ideal ...... was the real purpose of why I was here.

So is Winning not important?
Of course it is... but so is Failure ... Because disregarding these minor setbacks... You are only defeated when you quit.
You see Success is Inevitable when you relentlessly pursue your Ideals.

So where has your pursuit brought you?
I asked myself this question ... who would have won the contest If I was the judge ... I don't say this to inflate your ego.
but most girls would have been stumped.

I want to irradiate the point ...
You are the ONLY girl that I have met IN MY ENTIRE LIFE ....that I have had an Intelligent Discourse with.

and you know what ... when we were having those conversations....   You were the one talking most of the time.

I distinctly remember telling you to ... make your sentences short ... because my mind was flooded with the all the overwhelming points you had made...I feel hesitant telling you this... but I think you should know... You have embodied many of my Ideals.

People who scale the summit of greatness fail much more than those who much rather stand behind the sidelines and watch.
...................................

This email was something different and not patronizing. Till today whenever I feel low or feel incapable of something i read this email and it makes me so much happier. I guess what people say is true.....sometimes you can influence peoples lives in the smallest ways possible but would never know it......

Picking out the perfect engagement ring........

Ok so I constantly hear men whining about how women make such a big deal about 'the rock'. Hello...................this is probably something every little non ironic little girl has dreamed of......the proposal, down on one knee, the beautiful ring....and so on........
 

If you're not going shopping together (which I hope your not! Thats about as romantic as going to the dentists office), then you need to do more than just plunk down cash... you need to guesstimate her ring size. You need to figure out the metal. (Probably platinum.) You need to figure out her preferred style, setting, and stone shape. You need a plan.

This isn't an exact science. And there's no perfect solution. These ideas, however, will at least get you in the right ballpark.

Sizing

Now most men this is quite an easy thing to figure out.....uh......you guessed wrong. I once met a friend who was newly engaged and when I asked to see her ring it was on her middle finger! When I asked her why she said he got the size wrong. Moreover he got the wrong metal as well. I would figure after being in a relationship for 3 years the man should have that all figured out by then..........

Your three best options to find her size (its not rocket science I guarantee):

1. Steal a ring.

Snoop around in her jewelry drawer. Find another ring of hers, steal it, and then take it to a jeweler. As long as it's the right finger (and guys I stress the left hand ring finger!!), the jeweler can use this to get her size.

2. Use your own finger.

This one is so obvious it gets overlooked. You can just put one of her rings on your finger, slide it up as far as it will go--ideally, your fingers are fatter than hers--and then mark the spot (remember whether you're marking the side closest or farthest to your fingertip). The jeweler can use this to measure her size.

3. Use soap.

Full disclaimer: we've heard this mentioned by friends—and it's a popular recommendation with other experts—but we have not actually tried it ourselves. So use at your own risk. Basically, you grab a bar of soap, fetch her ring, and press the ring against the soap to make an impression.

Styling

The styling is more complicated. There are a number of key decisions to make: the shape of the diamond, the type of setting, and the style of setting. IWhen you have been with your lady long enough you can pick up on her styles, tastes etc.

Something like 75% of the diamonds sold are round, but there are other shapes that are popular and, depending on your budget, might be a good fit. The safest most classic choice, however, is to go with round. The basic setting choices are solitaire, three stone settings, and sidestone settings. You will also have to decide what metal to buy—yellow gold, white gold, platinum, etc.... Finally, the setting style: classic, modern, or antique-looks.

Some tips on finding her style:

Don't risk a white lie.

It won't work. If you hear advice like, "Pretend that you want to buy a ring for your sister, and then ask what kind of rings she likes to wear." This is about as plausible as Hillary Clinton's tales of "sniper fire" in Bosnia—it simply won't hold up. She'll see through it.

Look at her current jewelry.

At the very least, you should get an idea about the kind of metal she wants. Does she always wear silver or white gold? Then it's probably best to avoid yellow gold (platinum is the safest option, anyway, see below.) Get a sense for her style. A tip: actually take some digital photographs of her jewelry and show it to the merchant—this way you won't awkwardly fumble at the store and say, "Um...she likes shiny stuff, I guess."

Recruit one of her friends.

This could be better in theory than reality. The idea is that you talk to her BFF, swear her to secrecy, and get the BFF to find out her ring size, preferred settings, etc. Only three problems with this: 1) Who knows how trustworthy this friend is? Are you sure she can keep a secret? The downside is astronomical. 2) Who knows if her friend actually has any frickin' clue what kind of ring your girlfriend wants. She can probably help on the size, yes, but the rest is just guesswork. 3) More philosophically, do you really want someone else to know that you're getting engaged before your girlfriend? In an ideal world, she should be the first to know.

Remember Indiana Jones.

Remember that bag of sand Indy uses? At the beginning of Raiders, he swaps the golden idol for a bag of sand—keeping the weight balanced—and avoids a lethal trap. You can do this with the engagement ring. When you propose, you can give her a "stand-in" ring--ideally a family heirloom--that you later trade for the real thing. This lets you propose without some lame "IOU" but you let her give input into what ring she gets.

Go simple.

As far as settings and ornamentation, it's better to err on the side of simple and conservative. Just focus on getting the best diamond in your budget. Once you propose, tell her that you're fine with changing any aspect of the band or setting. I once saw a movie where this chap tried to channel his inner-jeweler and was "inspired by California poppies"—whatever the hell this means—and wanted to get her an orange stone. Debacle! Just play it safe, get a good diamond, and give her carte blanche to reset the sucker.

Make sure you can get a refund.

No matter what you choose, there's a good chance that your girlfriend/fiancé might want some type of modification. Make sure that your exchange policy will let you swap out your ring for a change or (gulp) upgrade. This way, when you give her the ring, you can let her know that it's not final-final-final... she can make any changes she'd like and you won't be offended.

Stick with Platinum.

Some parts of ring-buying are tricky. This one isn't. It's the easiest call you will make. Platinum makes the most sense for about 3,000 reasons. 5 quick ones: 1) She probably wants it--80% of women prefer platinum. 2) It holds its value better over time. 3) It's more durable than gold. If it gets scratched, no metal is actually lost, it's just displaced. 4) It's higher quality. 5) It holds the center rock--the absurdly-expensive diamond--more securely, so it better protects your investment.

So in conclusion think about the following questions:

1. Confusion (How much to spend? What kind of ring does she want? Should you surprise her?)
2. Risk of humiliation (What if it's not big enough? And why do you keep asking that question?)
3. Suffering (Two months' salary? Really? Damnit.)
4. Indecision (Simple or ornate? Platinum or Gold?)
5. Doubt (Maybe the fact that I'm having a hard time buying the ring is actually telling me, subconsciously, that I shouldn't get married? I'm screwed. Screwed!)

On the one hand, buying an engagement ring is expensive, perplexing, intimidating, and psychologically draining. On the other hand... wait, no, there's really no "on the other hand." Buying an engagement ring is pretty much all negative.

All that said... relax. The trick is just to get a little bit of guidance, a little orientation, and then an expert to show you the way...........Good luck!

Popping the BIG question - The proposal......

You all know the "Reset" button? When you're playing Grand Theft Auto and you get pistol-whipped, you can just hit Reset, start a few levels back, and then resume killing cabbies.

Most of your engagement has a Reset button. Not the proposal. You can't undo it. The stakes couldn't be higher. Assuming she accepts, she'll describe every detail--from the salad dressing to the roses to the way your voice quivered--again and again to everyone she has ever met. She'll blog it. Facebook it. Twitter it.

In some ways, the proposal is bigger than the wedding itself. No pressure, but your life hangs in the balance. Follow the 10 Commandments of Popping the Question:

1. You shouldn't be surprised...

Like a good lawyer, don't ask the question unless you know the answer. And if you don't know the answer, consider whether you've given your courtship enough time. (Hint: you haven't.)

2. ...but she should.

You must surprise her. That's the game. If you talked about getting married last week, then when you say, "Hey. Um. I was thinking...maybe we could go on a hot-air balloon ride together. My buddies were saying it's fun," there's a decent chance that she'll crack your code. Keep your cards close to your chest. Don't tell too many friends. Lie.

3. Only go public if it's a lock.

If there's any uncertainty, popping the question in front of 16,000 Yankees fans could either: 1) be the most humiliating moment of your life; or 2) force her to croak out a "yes" that she (and you) will later regret. In any event, think very, very hard before making a public proposal. Unless it's a Royals, Indians, or A's game, where the 134 fans won't care.

4. Personalize.

This helps you dodge clichés. As much as you might be tempted to go to www.800uniqueproposalideas.com, there is nothing unique about them. You already know everything you need for a memorable proposal. Think about her interests and then tailor your proposal accordingly. It shows that you actually know her, love her, get her. If she's a tree-hugging outdoors freak, then incorporate a hike, camping trip, or hide it in her bowl of granola. (Kidding on the granola, which brings us to...)

5. Guard the ring like it's Your Precious.

No brainer, right? But it's shocking how many guys hatch some bold, creative plan that ends up with the ring lost in garbage. Plan nothing that risks the rock. Don't bury it on a beach. I don't care how much she loves "The Claw," don't toss it in the machine and have her try and get it out. There's a fine line between creativity and stupidity. Don't go near that line.

6. Take a knee.

Corny? Maybe a little. But by taking a knee, you fulfill the vision that she's had since she was a very little non-ironic girl. Also, her girlfriends will specifically ask her whether you got down on a knee. Let her answer the right way.

7. Keep heavy eye contact.

It shows you mean it. It shows confidence. Lock onto her eyes and never glance away. Just like in poker, a nervous glance to the side is a "tell" that could lose you the hand. (To clarify: blinking won't cost you the "yes," but why take chances?)

8. Actually have a ring.

Remember Lumbergh from Office Space? I had a boss like him. Even though he made good money and could easily afford a ring, he didn't feel like waiting for the jeweler, so he popped the question sans diamond. His strategy? He printed out a picture of a generic wedding ring--in black and white, even--and scribbled "I.O.U." on the paper. Yeeeeaaaaaahh. Don't be Lombard. Bring the loot.

9. Practice.

We can almost hear Allen Iverson: "Practice? Practice?!? We talkin' about practice!?!?!" Yes. Practice. Rehearse your shtick in advance. Look in the mirror. Propose to your dog. Say it in the shower. It's embarrassing and you'll feel like a moron, but it'll give you more confidence in the big moment.

10. The setting trumps size.

Ambiance is key. It's better to have an outdoor, intimate, candlelit picnic than a lavish, $600 dinner at a "hot new restaurant" that blares hip-hop. It can be pricey or cheap, small or big, private or public, but the atmosphere must brim with romance. We're often wary of the "cheese factor" and shy away from roses and their ilk. But not here.

Guess what? In a marriage, if you're given 10 rules that really means you have (at least) 11. So here's one more:

11. Relax.

We know. This seems like a paradox. But as long as you've thought this through--planned things to a T, ensured she'll say yes, practiced in the shower--you'll be fine. For real. Don't worry about stuttering or sweating or flubbing the lines. Even if you stumble over your words and have pit-stains like Ted Striker from Airplane, don't worry, she'll find it endearing. That said, wear an undershirt.

After "Yes."

This is it. This is the one moment that belongs only to you and your future wife. Make it last. This is one of the most intimate memories that you will ever share with anyone, anytime, anywhere. This is the calm before the storm, the slice of tranquility before you make 200 calls to the family, friends, and vendors. It's the final truly quiet moment until your wedding. Savor it. Then announce the scary as hell blissful news.

One Note on Timing...

Timing matters. The month of your proposal could impact the length of engagement. If you want a long engagement, for example, propose in the spring--there's a good chance she can't whip together a summer event, so presto, you've bought yourself more than a year. Conversely, if you propose in the winter, you could go down by the first day of spring. For more thoughts on the length of your engagement

How to say "I'm sorry".......and take responsibility for your actions

Why is it so hard to say the words we so desperately want to hear?
Many times we turn the simple task of saying, “I’m sorry” into a chicken and egg game. Or worse, we use it to guilt others, or withhold it to hurt.

Do you find yourself actually taking the gift of an apology, whether given or received, as your opportunity to “win”? (If the word “but” is anywhere near the words “I’m sorry”, you aren’t apologizing, you’re trying to be right.)

Why?  Because you are missing two fundamental components of the foundation you need to build for a heartfelt apology that can be felt by the other person and by you!

Part #1:  Accepting Responsibility

If you’re like most people, your perception of the situation is clouded by the hurt you’re feeling when someone you love or care about is upset with you.  It also might be difficult for you to acknowledge and accept your reaction to any situation as being in your control.
Unfortunately, we live in a left-brain-logic controlled world, where the right side of the brain (passion, creativity, love) is locked up in a prison camp of right and wrong, only engaged when the left brain says, “hey we need to be upset here!”
When we “see” with our hearts, we get side-tracked, applying meaning to every action and inaction, weakening our ability to accept responsibility for the words we chose to use while under duress.
By seeing instead with our minds, we lose our vulnerability and gain a capacity to receive.
Try using statements such as, “I’m sorry my reaction hurt you. I was feeling unimportant to you. I chose the wrong words, which made the situation worse. I love you very much. I value you. And I’m deeply sorry my reaction pushed your buttons.”
Remember some people are hard to apologize to, as they take the opportunity to drive home how wrong you were and how right they were.
Your ability to hold your space and stay focused on the sincerity of your apology is determined only by the strength of your emotional fitness.  However, just because you are ready to say “I’m sorry”, doesn’t mean the other person is ready to hear it.
A sincere apology does not need a response, nor wants one.  It is about you apologizing for your contribution to the situation – that’s it!
Respond to any negative comments by staying true to YOU.  Try these words …
“Again, I understand. I hear you when you say my actions or words hurt you, and I’m sorry for hurting you. I love you and only want to find a way to move past this. I understand you might not be ready to talk, so know how important this is to me to resolve, and please let me know when you feel better and can guide me to a better place with you. “
While giving space to the other person is important in some respects also remember that this does not apply to all individuals and also depends on the depth of the problem. Sometimes the person who has wronged the other must constantly be in touch with his/her partner and apologize and show them how much they want to correct their wrong doing. Also try to make your partner understand that you will do anything it takes to get them to forgive you and will wait any amount of time.
Always remember sincerity and effort is the key! The harder you try and the more sincere you ar ethe higher the chances of the other person forgiving you. I find that the cardinal sin is sometimes people 'assume' the pther person wants to be left alone and then don't call or stay in touch for a whole week or month or so. DO understand..........You messed up. So apologize, grovel, be extremely sorry and show it even if the other person seems like they don't want to hear it make sure you try hook or crook to persistantly tell them how sorry you are. This of course applies to only those relationships that you feel such time and effort is neccesary......

#2 The Art Of Letting Go
This does NOT just mean you have to forgive and forget. You must heal your hurt too. However, if you can accept and acknowledge your contribution to the situation, this will free you from residue from the conflict.
The easiest way to let go is to ask YOURSELF one question, “Which is more valuable? The idea of being right, or the relationship?”
Ideas are a dime a dozen and can change on a whim. You shouldn’t protect them with your “life” or at the expense of those you care about.  The rules and meanings you put with your actions and words are not always the same ones used by those close to you.
Avoid seeing other people’s actions through your filter of right and wrong, and how you treat others. While your highest commitment to your partner could be a dedication to being on time, he or she may not actually put value on this. You can’t take offense to something that isn’t the intentional slight you perceive it to be.
Well, you can, but you’ll be miserable if you hold onto it!

#3 Talking to your Mates
While this is an extremly effective way to get some of the burden off your chest always try to stick to one or two friends that you trust and who have a certain amount of experience and maturity to give you advice. A lot of times I have seen situations go from bad to worse due to bad advice. While in terrible situations sometimes we do require a third persons guidance or support to help us figure out what to do. Always listen to advice and try to understand what is good advice and what is bad advice. It is always better to talk to a mutual friend, that way there will be no bias in the advice whereas if you speak to a friend who only knows you or only knows your partner there is bound to be some biased advice. Remember at the end of the day friends can suggest and advice but it will be your job to take the reins and take control of the situation. The decision is ultimately yours only and noone can help you with that

#3 Do not be scared to speak your mind
Now I find this most common with Men (sorry guys but its true) that they are scared to speak there mind for fear of rejection or being shot down. Now if you are with someone who you think is special or worth making that effort for surely she understands and knows you. And while some partners ina  fit of anger might not listen it is upto you to decide how to handle the situate based on your partner. Concealing feelings never helps. If you let your partner know how you feel you would be surprised how much that helps. Women especially like a certain vunerablity in their partner rather than the cocky " I have apologized and thats enough" attitude. Tell her/him how you feel. Tell your partner how miserable you are and how you would like to resolve it. Remember unless you ask you will never know......

In the end even if your relationship ends you have to have a clear mind which said you tried a 100% before it ended and while it was your fault you still tried your best to fix it. Trust me that feeling is way better than thinking not only did you cause the break up but also that you did hardly anything to fix it........
Try this and I am sure anyone with a heart will give you a second chance!

Valentines day - Cliche or genuine?

With valentines day just over 4 days ago I thought of an interesting subject to write about. I was out for dinner with some friends and the whole topic of valentines day being a cliche about celebrating love and how couples should actually express themselves on any day rather than reserve one day a year for it...........Being the only woman in the group considered to give non gender biased opinions of course I was turned to for my take on this. This of course opened up a whole can of worms and a volley of questions which led me to write about it......


So is valentines day a big cliche? If you ask me it can be.........It would depend on using the creative side of your brain to come up with ways for it not to be......

If you ask me it's the least romantic day of the year. It doubles the cost of every restaurant, it triples the cost of a dozen roses, it's checkmate. You can't win. If you ignore Valentine's Day, she'll be pissed, and if you show up with a bundle of chocolates and flowers, you're suddenly that dopey cheeseball we'd all (including her) secretly like to slap. So how do you thread the needle?

1) No red roses

Every time I receive red roses I think to myself "how original" (sense the sarcasm)...... If you are in the country you should make an effort to pick something really unique and different. Even if you aren't around the internet is so advanced you can always find ways to order online. There are bound to be flower boutiques that will do a variety of flowers on this special day. Let me give you an example of being creative. My sister once got a rose flower bouquet from her boyfriend at the time which had 10 roses. I can see you all roll your eyes but wait.......each rose was a different colour! Indeed! There were colours ranging from blue, orange, red, black, brown, colours that I have never seen before and each rose was different! He did not get this bouquet from one store, he had to literally go from store to store buying all colours he could find till he got 10 different colours. Needless to say his effort was highly appreciated. You do want to look like a hero with your girlfriend rather than look like to rocked into a flower store and scooped up the first red rose bouquet on your way to her place

2) No chocolates please!

While I do like chocolates its almost so boring when a guy hands you a box of chocolates with his red roses. Talk about the cliche of cliches! You can always give her chocolates on any other day of the year and you choose valentines day?? You can always try a chocolate souffle instead! Sounds weird but would be different and creative. 

3) Taking her to a restaurant

One of the biggest faux pas committed by men on valentines day (or any other day for that matter) is not booking the restaurant/venue in advance. I have a friend who's (then) boyfriend left it to the last minute and no surprise there all places had been reserved days in advance. I think they ended up going to a Chucky cheese or something which automatically made him single again! See how that works?

A lot of male friends do complain to me about how valentines day is very sexist and how men are expected to plan everything. I promise you this not the case. If you have been in a long relationship you can always ask the girl to help you with arrangements, booking a restaurant or an even better thought is why don't you cook for her? There is no better way to show how much you care than to create a personalized meal all by yourself at your home. The advantage here is - you get to save on eating at an expensive restaurant and you get to improve the ambience to your tastes. If you don't like to do it indoors you can always cook and do a little picnic style mean outdoors. Obviously, don't just default to Bachelor Meal 101, pasta and marina. Get creative. Research recipes that incorporate her favorite ingredients. (Ask. In advance.) Challenge yourself. Show effort.

This would not only score you brownie points, you can avoid the whole "dating tourist" thing and feel like a schmuck for dining with a roomful of married couples who only go on "date night" once a year




4) Don't ignore the day


I've had couples say to me "oh I don't believe in valentines day, its so over-rated"........Men for starters; you could feel its some kind of big cliche and ignore the day completely but all you've done is turned into a different kind of cliché. Even if lots of girls say that they hate Valentine's Day. Very few mean it.  Maybe she will actually say, "Nah... it's no big deal, its actually to test if you would go ahead and do something anyways......so if you want to still carry on dating ignore her statement completely!


5) The gift


Now as I mentioned before a lack of specificity is the cliche of cliches - Chocolates, roses, hearts--these are cliché because they're overly generic, they speak to Every Girl, not your girl. Get her a gift, and think about something that speaks to her. Pretend, for a second, that it's not Valentine's Day but instead her birthday. What do you get her? Go with that, and then cupid-it-up with fancy wrapping paper and shit. 


You cannot--cannot--just get her flowers and a box of chocolates. This will turn you into a cheeseball. If she is lactose intolerant, she will vomit and quite probably die. If your girl likes flowers use them to accentuate another gift. If you are stuck on ideas to what get her, why not get her tickets to something. Not necessarily tickets for something on Valentine's Day itself--again, overpriced, overcrowded, overflowing with gooey couples--but tickets for some night in the future. Its intimate and could be something for couples so both of you could go together - like a nice spa date, or VIP tickets to a concert that you know she has been dying to go to.

For those men who are still trapped in the body of a 2nd grader please note self made coupon books are NO LONGER cute! You might think this is being creative and channeling your inner 9 year old making a stupid coupon book with rubbish like "good for one free massage" and stuff like that. Phuleez.......If a woman wanted a massage from a guy she wouldn't need a damn coupon book so grow up!


6) Don't be cheesy. Self depreciation works however!


One of the biggest things that women are attracted to men is vulnerability. While confidence is a huge turn on for women we also like men who have a vulnerable; self depreciating side. Its simple yet effective. Say you didn't find any other flower (because that year all men decided to be creative and buy anything but red roses) and turned up with a dozen red roses. Make a joke of it, say something along the lines of "I thought that this year, I'd be really, reeeally original and get you something no one else will get: roses!"...................She would find it really cute that you are in on the joke. I once had a guy give me flowers and (bless him) he tried to be this romantic Ken Barbie doll with his smooth moves and handed me the flowers with some cheesy stoned faced mills and boons line and I burst out laughing. Needless to say he though I was rude.


7) Don't build up expectations


If she thinks you have nothing planned and then wow her on the day with a special day planned it will be quite beneficial to the guy.......However don't make it obvious that you are planning something. One thing I've found with some people (men and women) if they plan something they get so excited they tend to drop little subtle hints here and there. I promise you it isn't romantic if the girl picks up on what you are doing. Men do this also before proposing to a girl. I will probably write a note in my next article on how men should propose (not the way just the time leading upto it). 
Remember be an anti politician - under-promise, over-deliver


8) The card


How can I forget the card that comes with the flower and chocolates....................I once got flowers from a guy with a card attached to it. What most men fail to realize is that if you have been seeing the gal for a while there is a possibility that they do know every mundane detail about you and your life. Now the card to me had some lovey dovey message written on it. The only problem was it wasn't my guys hand writing. You instantly realize your card was filled out by some puffy middle aged dude that works at Hallmark. Guys - For crying out loud don't outsource your emotions to Hallmark. You don't have to be fancy or write a poem (some of us think poems are hilarious in any case). Just a couple of straight forward simple lines that have the virtue of being yours. 


So guys try to stick to at least some of these guidelines and you can spend a nice cliche free valentines day. 


Oh! One more thing. If you get her a box of chocolates, it cannot be in the shape of a heart, it shouldn't have a big picture of Cupid with an arrow, it should cost more than a buck-ninety-nine, and it can't be sold at an Exxon station.....


Have a happy V- Day!