Recently the subject of guys and breakups came up and a friend and I went back and forth about what guys generally go through when they breakup.
Being someone who has had her share of heart breaks I realized I needed to clarify the situation so I sat a good (guy) friend down and asked him the age old question........"why do men seem so heartless after a heartbreak?" Women often feel they are alone in their mourning and the man seems bound from romance to romance with no mourning period whatsoever.
So what is the right amount of time to mourn a relationship after a break up? Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer. Time & patience are the best healers.
So my friend gave me some insight into the male behavior and why men act so after a breakup. To put it in perspective I will list out the characteristics of some men after a break up and put the justification beside it......
1) Have you heard the statement “When a guy’s relationship ends, he replaces her." or “He’s just hooking up with such-and-such to spite the ex-girlfriend,” or “Guys just don’t care”
Well reality is Breakups are hard on all guys. The fact is: If a guy is profoundly obnoxious or terrible after a breakup, it is just testament to how rough the breakup was on him. Some people simply cope by lashing out.
2) Guy who breaks off and turns into a cold fish
Women are fundamentally emotional creatures and surprisingly so are men. The only difference is women tend to express that emotion while men tend to be more guarded about it. When women after a break up tend to call, text and stalk the guy 10 times a day after a break up while he turns a cold shoulder, many women wonder how they can 'rip the band aid' so easily.
The fact is when a relationship ends, it is much much harder for a guy to go back and discuss and revisit and talk through and explain, etc. etc.
In fact, guys like to keep their emotional spectrum focused on a tight range of emotions – somewhere between amusement and contentedness. So any interaction that a guy knows will bring him out of that sweet range of emotions is an interaction he’s going to do everything he can to avoid. It is not that he stopped caring. He probably wants the girl to be ok and happy but he realizes discussing it or bringing up old situations are not going to make anything better. So as a defence mechanism he turns cold. He avoids conversations about the break up, the relationship, does not answer calls or texts and when he does call you or meet you treats you like as if you are his classmate from college instead of a once upon a time serious girlfriend. Trust me.......I know how that feels and it hurts like crazy and most women do not understand how he could be so cruel. So while she probably cries every night to sleep she imagines him to be cool about it and playing his xbox at home chilling.
My advice to men is while I agree with your method treat it a bit like rehab. Don't completely withdraw from the girl from day 1. That's when she gets withdrawal symptoms and hurts her more. Start off talking and then ease out of it gradually. Gives you both time to get closure and cope with the situation and feel better in the long run. I have a guy friend who had no closure from his ex and ended up pinning over her for 9 years (till today). It is important two people discuss and mutually agree why they cannot be together rather than leave it in the air.
Remember.........Mystery is the most painful thing.....
But what about the guy that immediately gets into a new relationship right afterward?
This is a no-brainer – a guy does this because he doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to “deal with himself.”
If he jumps into another relationship, he can still maintain his dose of external female validation and self-esteem. It has its cost though and eventually devolves into a crippling neediness. Guys need to work their internal issues out, which brings me to another question…
But what about the guy that “goes off the deep end” and just starts hooking up with every girl he sees?
A guy once told me that “A man is devastated at the end of a relationship to the extent to which he sold himself out.”
What does it mean for a guy to sell himself out (in the context of a relationship)?
Every guy has a set of core values for who he is, what he stands for, and what he really wants out of life. Sometimes in a relationship, a guy will really, really love a girl and may start to compromise these core values. Maybe he changes his lifestyle, stops hanging out with certain friends, or changes his habits.
It seems innocent enough, but over time the guy begins to starve for whatever it was he got from the things he gave up. It changes the guy and, in turn, changes the relationship. As a result, the relationship usually suffers and, in the case of this example, ends.
When the relationship ends, that guy is forced to evaluate himself – he doesn’t like who he’s become and he doesn’t like the fact that his relationship and his love brought him to this place.
So what’s the solution?… (or a solution)… Hook up with a bunch of girls and have a series of flings. I mean, think about it – no chance of love, no chance of commitment (which, in this wounded stage translates to changing oneself to something bad and misery) and plenty of plausible external validation that the guy is a “worthy man” since he’s getting so much ass.
Problem is, once the guy is done licking his wounds and mentally revisiting the pain of his past relationship, a feeling of loneliness will set in and hook-ups will seem empty and hollow.
So what does a guy do when he doesn’t go cold, jump into another relationship, or hook up with as many girls as he possibly can?
In my opinion, the best thing a guy can do is hang out with his friends after a breakup. Get some male perspective on the situation, forgive himself for what he wishes he did differently and take some time be single.
And when I say single, I don’t mean single on a man-whore rampage or single because he’s seeing a girl that he doesn’t want to call his girlfriend. I mean single – comfortable with not having an attachment for a while without going to an extreme.
Sooner or later, a guy will come to this place of reconciliation with himself and I think it’s essential that he does before he starts another relationship.
Long story short, if a guy acts extreme after a breakup, it’s his way of dealing with (or not dealing with) his emotions about his relationship and relationships in general.
Being someone who has had her share of heart breaks I realized I needed to clarify the situation so I sat a good (guy) friend down and asked him the age old question........"why do men seem so heartless after a heartbreak?" Women often feel they are alone in their mourning and the man seems bound from romance to romance with no mourning period whatsoever.
So what is the right amount of time to mourn a relationship after a break up? Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer. Time & patience are the best healers.
So my friend gave me some insight into the male behavior and why men act so after a breakup. To put it in perspective I will list out the characteristics of some men after a break up and put the justification beside it......
1) Have you heard the statement “When a guy’s relationship ends, he replaces her." or “He’s just hooking up with such-and-such to spite the ex-girlfriend,” or “Guys just don’t care”
Well reality is Breakups are hard on all guys. The fact is: If a guy is profoundly obnoxious or terrible after a breakup, it is just testament to how rough the breakup was on him. Some people simply cope by lashing out.
2) Guy who breaks off and turns into a cold fish
Women are fundamentally emotional creatures and surprisingly so are men. The only difference is women tend to express that emotion while men tend to be more guarded about it. When women after a break up tend to call, text and stalk the guy 10 times a day after a break up while he turns a cold shoulder, many women wonder how they can 'rip the band aid' so easily.
The fact is when a relationship ends, it is much much harder for a guy to go back and discuss and revisit and talk through and explain, etc. etc.
In fact, guys like to keep their emotional spectrum focused on a tight range of emotions – somewhere between amusement and contentedness. So any interaction that a guy knows will bring him out of that sweet range of emotions is an interaction he’s going to do everything he can to avoid. It is not that he stopped caring. He probably wants the girl to be ok and happy but he realizes discussing it or bringing up old situations are not going to make anything better. So as a defence mechanism he turns cold. He avoids conversations about the break up, the relationship, does not answer calls or texts and when he does call you or meet you treats you like as if you are his classmate from college instead of a once upon a time serious girlfriend. Trust me.......I know how that feels and it hurts like crazy and most women do not understand how he could be so cruel. So while she probably cries every night to sleep she imagines him to be cool about it and playing his xbox at home chilling.
My advice to men is while I agree with your method treat it a bit like rehab. Don't completely withdraw from the girl from day 1. That's when she gets withdrawal symptoms and hurts her more. Start off talking and then ease out of it gradually. Gives you both time to get closure and cope with the situation and feel better in the long run. I have a guy friend who had no closure from his ex and ended up pinning over her for 9 years (till today). It is important two people discuss and mutually agree why they cannot be together rather than leave it in the air.
Remember.........Mystery is the most painful thing.....
But what about the guy that immediately gets into a new relationship right afterward?
This is a no-brainer – a guy does this because he doesn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t want to “deal with himself.”
If he jumps into another relationship, he can still maintain his dose of external female validation and self-esteem. It has its cost though and eventually devolves into a crippling neediness. Guys need to work their internal issues out, which brings me to another question…
But what about the guy that “goes off the deep end” and just starts hooking up with every girl he sees?
A guy once told me that “A man is devastated at the end of a relationship to the extent to which he sold himself out.”
What does it mean for a guy to sell himself out (in the context of a relationship)?
Every guy has a set of core values for who he is, what he stands for, and what he really wants out of life. Sometimes in a relationship, a guy will really, really love a girl and may start to compromise these core values. Maybe he changes his lifestyle, stops hanging out with certain friends, or changes his habits.
It seems innocent enough, but over time the guy begins to starve for whatever it was he got from the things he gave up. It changes the guy and, in turn, changes the relationship. As a result, the relationship usually suffers and, in the case of this example, ends.
When the relationship ends, that guy is forced to evaluate himself – he doesn’t like who he’s become and he doesn’t like the fact that his relationship and his love brought him to this place.
So what’s the solution?… (or a solution)… Hook up with a bunch of girls and have a series of flings. I mean, think about it – no chance of love, no chance of commitment (which, in this wounded stage translates to changing oneself to something bad and misery) and plenty of plausible external validation that the guy is a “worthy man” since he’s getting so much ass.
Problem is, once the guy is done licking his wounds and mentally revisiting the pain of his past relationship, a feeling of loneliness will set in and hook-ups will seem empty and hollow.
So what does a guy do when he doesn’t go cold, jump into another relationship, or hook up with as many girls as he possibly can?
In my opinion, the best thing a guy can do is hang out with his friends after a breakup. Get some male perspective on the situation, forgive himself for what he wishes he did differently and take some time be single.
And when I say single, I don’t mean single on a man-whore rampage or single because he’s seeing a girl that he doesn’t want to call his girlfriend. I mean single – comfortable with not having an attachment for a while without going to an extreme.
Sooner or later, a guy will come to this place of reconciliation with himself and I think it’s essential that he does before he starts another relationship.
Long story short, if a guy acts extreme after a breakup, it’s his way of dealing with (or not dealing with) his emotions about his relationship and relationships in general.
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