Picking out the perfect engagement ring........

Ok so I constantly hear men whining about how women make such a big deal about 'the rock'. Hello...................this is probably something every little non ironic little girl has dreamed of......the proposal, down on one knee, the beautiful ring....and so on........
 

If you're not going shopping together (which I hope your not! Thats about as romantic as going to the dentists office), then you need to do more than just plunk down cash... you need to guesstimate her ring size. You need to figure out the metal. (Probably platinum.) You need to figure out her preferred style, setting, and stone shape. You need a plan.

This isn't an exact science. And there's no perfect solution. These ideas, however, will at least get you in the right ballpark.

Sizing

Now most men this is quite an easy thing to figure out.....uh......you guessed wrong. I once met a friend who was newly engaged and when I asked to see her ring it was on her middle finger! When I asked her why she said he got the size wrong. Moreover he got the wrong metal as well. I would figure after being in a relationship for 3 years the man should have that all figured out by then..........

Your three best options to find her size (its not rocket science I guarantee):

1. Steal a ring.

Snoop around in her jewelry drawer. Find another ring of hers, steal it, and then take it to a jeweler. As long as it's the right finger (and guys I stress the left hand ring finger!!), the jeweler can use this to get her size.

2. Use your own finger.

This one is so obvious it gets overlooked. You can just put one of her rings on your finger, slide it up as far as it will go--ideally, your fingers are fatter than hers--and then mark the spot (remember whether you're marking the side closest or farthest to your fingertip). The jeweler can use this to measure her size.

3. Use soap.

Full disclaimer: we've heard this mentioned by friends—and it's a popular recommendation with other experts—but we have not actually tried it ourselves. So use at your own risk. Basically, you grab a bar of soap, fetch her ring, and press the ring against the soap to make an impression.

Styling

The styling is more complicated. There are a number of key decisions to make: the shape of the diamond, the type of setting, and the style of setting. IWhen you have been with your lady long enough you can pick up on her styles, tastes etc.

Something like 75% of the diamonds sold are round, but there are other shapes that are popular and, depending on your budget, might be a good fit. The safest most classic choice, however, is to go with round. The basic setting choices are solitaire, three stone settings, and sidestone settings. You will also have to decide what metal to buy—yellow gold, white gold, platinum, etc.... Finally, the setting style: classic, modern, or antique-looks.

Some tips on finding her style:

Don't risk a white lie.

It won't work. If you hear advice like, "Pretend that you want to buy a ring for your sister, and then ask what kind of rings she likes to wear." This is about as plausible as Hillary Clinton's tales of "sniper fire" in Bosnia—it simply won't hold up. She'll see through it.

Look at her current jewelry.

At the very least, you should get an idea about the kind of metal she wants. Does she always wear silver or white gold? Then it's probably best to avoid yellow gold (platinum is the safest option, anyway, see below.) Get a sense for her style. A tip: actually take some digital photographs of her jewelry and show it to the merchant—this way you won't awkwardly fumble at the store and say, "Um...she likes shiny stuff, I guess."

Recruit one of her friends.

This could be better in theory than reality. The idea is that you talk to her BFF, swear her to secrecy, and get the BFF to find out her ring size, preferred settings, etc. Only three problems with this: 1) Who knows how trustworthy this friend is? Are you sure she can keep a secret? The downside is astronomical. 2) Who knows if her friend actually has any frickin' clue what kind of ring your girlfriend wants. She can probably help on the size, yes, but the rest is just guesswork. 3) More philosophically, do you really want someone else to know that you're getting engaged before your girlfriend? In an ideal world, she should be the first to know.

Remember Indiana Jones.

Remember that bag of sand Indy uses? At the beginning of Raiders, he swaps the golden idol for a bag of sand—keeping the weight balanced—and avoids a lethal trap. You can do this with the engagement ring. When you propose, you can give her a "stand-in" ring--ideally a family heirloom--that you later trade for the real thing. This lets you propose without some lame "IOU" but you let her give input into what ring she gets.

Go simple.

As far as settings and ornamentation, it's better to err on the side of simple and conservative. Just focus on getting the best diamond in your budget. Once you propose, tell her that you're fine with changing any aspect of the band or setting. I once saw a movie where this chap tried to channel his inner-jeweler and was "inspired by California poppies"—whatever the hell this means—and wanted to get her an orange stone. Debacle! Just play it safe, get a good diamond, and give her carte blanche to reset the sucker.

Make sure you can get a refund.

No matter what you choose, there's a good chance that your girlfriend/fiancé might want some type of modification. Make sure that your exchange policy will let you swap out your ring for a change or (gulp) upgrade. This way, when you give her the ring, you can let her know that it's not final-final-final... she can make any changes she'd like and you won't be offended.

Stick with Platinum.

Some parts of ring-buying are tricky. This one isn't. It's the easiest call you will make. Platinum makes the most sense for about 3,000 reasons. 5 quick ones: 1) She probably wants it--80% of women prefer platinum. 2) It holds its value better over time. 3) It's more durable than gold. If it gets scratched, no metal is actually lost, it's just displaced. 4) It's higher quality. 5) It holds the center rock--the absurdly-expensive diamond--more securely, so it better protects your investment.

So in conclusion think about the following questions:

1. Confusion (How much to spend? What kind of ring does she want? Should you surprise her?)
2. Risk of humiliation (What if it's not big enough? And why do you keep asking that question?)
3. Suffering (Two months' salary? Really? Damnit.)
4. Indecision (Simple or ornate? Platinum or Gold?)
5. Doubt (Maybe the fact that I'm having a hard time buying the ring is actually telling me, subconsciously, that I shouldn't get married? I'm screwed. Screwed!)

On the one hand, buying an engagement ring is expensive, perplexing, intimidating, and psychologically draining. On the other hand... wait, no, there's really no "on the other hand." Buying an engagement ring is pretty much all negative.

All that said... relax. The trick is just to get a little bit of guidance, a little orientation, and then an expert to show you the way...........Good luck!

Popping the BIG question - The proposal......

You all know the "Reset" button? When you're playing Grand Theft Auto and you get pistol-whipped, you can just hit Reset, start a few levels back, and then resume killing cabbies.

Most of your engagement has a Reset button. Not the proposal. You can't undo it. The stakes couldn't be higher. Assuming she accepts, she'll describe every detail--from the salad dressing to the roses to the way your voice quivered--again and again to everyone she has ever met. She'll blog it. Facebook it. Twitter it.

In some ways, the proposal is bigger than the wedding itself. No pressure, but your life hangs in the balance. Follow the 10 Commandments of Popping the Question:

1. You shouldn't be surprised...

Like a good lawyer, don't ask the question unless you know the answer. And if you don't know the answer, consider whether you've given your courtship enough time. (Hint: you haven't.)

2. ...but she should.

You must surprise her. That's the game. If you talked about getting married last week, then when you say, "Hey. Um. I was thinking...maybe we could go on a hot-air balloon ride together. My buddies were saying it's fun," there's a decent chance that she'll crack your code. Keep your cards close to your chest. Don't tell too many friends. Lie.

3. Only go public if it's a lock.

If there's any uncertainty, popping the question in front of 16,000 Yankees fans could either: 1) be the most humiliating moment of your life; or 2) force her to croak out a "yes" that she (and you) will later regret. In any event, think very, very hard before making a public proposal. Unless it's a Royals, Indians, or A's game, where the 134 fans won't care.

4. Personalize.

This helps you dodge clichés. As much as you might be tempted to go to www.800uniqueproposalideas.com, there is nothing unique about them. You already know everything you need for a memorable proposal. Think about her interests and then tailor your proposal accordingly. It shows that you actually know her, love her, get her. If she's a tree-hugging outdoors freak, then incorporate a hike, camping trip, or hide it in her bowl of granola. (Kidding on the granola, which brings us to...)

5. Guard the ring like it's Your Precious.

No brainer, right? But it's shocking how many guys hatch some bold, creative plan that ends up with the ring lost in garbage. Plan nothing that risks the rock. Don't bury it on a beach. I don't care how much she loves "The Claw," don't toss it in the machine and have her try and get it out. There's a fine line between creativity and stupidity. Don't go near that line.

6. Take a knee.

Corny? Maybe a little. But by taking a knee, you fulfill the vision that she's had since she was a very little non-ironic girl. Also, her girlfriends will specifically ask her whether you got down on a knee. Let her answer the right way.

7. Keep heavy eye contact.

It shows you mean it. It shows confidence. Lock onto her eyes and never glance away. Just like in poker, a nervous glance to the side is a "tell" that could lose you the hand. (To clarify: blinking won't cost you the "yes," but why take chances?)

8. Actually have a ring.

Remember Lumbergh from Office Space? I had a boss like him. Even though he made good money and could easily afford a ring, he didn't feel like waiting for the jeweler, so he popped the question sans diamond. His strategy? He printed out a picture of a generic wedding ring--in black and white, even--and scribbled "I.O.U." on the paper. Yeeeeaaaaaahh. Don't be Lombard. Bring the loot.

9. Practice.

We can almost hear Allen Iverson: "Practice? Practice?!? We talkin' about practice!?!?!" Yes. Practice. Rehearse your shtick in advance. Look in the mirror. Propose to your dog. Say it in the shower. It's embarrassing and you'll feel like a moron, but it'll give you more confidence in the big moment.

10. The setting trumps size.

Ambiance is key. It's better to have an outdoor, intimate, candlelit picnic than a lavish, $600 dinner at a "hot new restaurant" that blares hip-hop. It can be pricey or cheap, small or big, private or public, but the atmosphere must brim with romance. We're often wary of the "cheese factor" and shy away from roses and their ilk. But not here.

Guess what? In a marriage, if you're given 10 rules that really means you have (at least) 11. So here's one more:

11. Relax.

We know. This seems like a paradox. But as long as you've thought this through--planned things to a T, ensured she'll say yes, practiced in the shower--you'll be fine. For real. Don't worry about stuttering or sweating or flubbing the lines. Even if you stumble over your words and have pit-stains like Ted Striker from Airplane, don't worry, she'll find it endearing. That said, wear an undershirt.

After "Yes."

This is it. This is the one moment that belongs only to you and your future wife. Make it last. This is one of the most intimate memories that you will ever share with anyone, anytime, anywhere. This is the calm before the storm, the slice of tranquility before you make 200 calls to the family, friends, and vendors. It's the final truly quiet moment until your wedding. Savor it. Then announce the scary as hell blissful news.

One Note on Timing...

Timing matters. The month of your proposal could impact the length of engagement. If you want a long engagement, for example, propose in the spring--there's a good chance she can't whip together a summer event, so presto, you've bought yourself more than a year. Conversely, if you propose in the winter, you could go down by the first day of spring. For more thoughts on the length of your engagement

How to say "I'm sorry".......and take responsibility for your actions

Why is it so hard to say the words we so desperately want to hear?
Many times we turn the simple task of saying, “I’m sorry” into a chicken and egg game. Or worse, we use it to guilt others, or withhold it to hurt.

Do you find yourself actually taking the gift of an apology, whether given or received, as your opportunity to “win”? (If the word “but” is anywhere near the words “I’m sorry”, you aren’t apologizing, you’re trying to be right.)

Why?  Because you are missing two fundamental components of the foundation you need to build for a heartfelt apology that can be felt by the other person and by you!

Part #1:  Accepting Responsibility

If you’re like most people, your perception of the situation is clouded by the hurt you’re feeling when someone you love or care about is upset with you.  It also might be difficult for you to acknowledge and accept your reaction to any situation as being in your control.
Unfortunately, we live in a left-brain-logic controlled world, where the right side of the brain (passion, creativity, love) is locked up in a prison camp of right and wrong, only engaged when the left brain says, “hey we need to be upset here!”
When we “see” with our hearts, we get side-tracked, applying meaning to every action and inaction, weakening our ability to accept responsibility for the words we chose to use while under duress.
By seeing instead with our minds, we lose our vulnerability and gain a capacity to receive.
Try using statements such as, “I’m sorry my reaction hurt you. I was feeling unimportant to you. I chose the wrong words, which made the situation worse. I love you very much. I value you. And I’m deeply sorry my reaction pushed your buttons.”
Remember some people are hard to apologize to, as they take the opportunity to drive home how wrong you were and how right they were.
Your ability to hold your space and stay focused on the sincerity of your apology is determined only by the strength of your emotional fitness.  However, just because you are ready to say “I’m sorry”, doesn’t mean the other person is ready to hear it.
A sincere apology does not need a response, nor wants one.  It is about you apologizing for your contribution to the situation – that’s it!
Respond to any negative comments by staying true to YOU.  Try these words …
“Again, I understand. I hear you when you say my actions or words hurt you, and I’m sorry for hurting you. I love you and only want to find a way to move past this. I understand you might not be ready to talk, so know how important this is to me to resolve, and please let me know when you feel better and can guide me to a better place with you. “
While giving space to the other person is important in some respects also remember that this does not apply to all individuals and also depends on the depth of the problem. Sometimes the person who has wronged the other must constantly be in touch with his/her partner and apologize and show them how much they want to correct their wrong doing. Also try to make your partner understand that you will do anything it takes to get them to forgive you and will wait any amount of time.
Always remember sincerity and effort is the key! The harder you try and the more sincere you ar ethe higher the chances of the other person forgiving you. I find that the cardinal sin is sometimes people 'assume' the pther person wants to be left alone and then don't call or stay in touch for a whole week or month or so. DO understand..........You messed up. So apologize, grovel, be extremely sorry and show it even if the other person seems like they don't want to hear it make sure you try hook or crook to persistantly tell them how sorry you are. This of course applies to only those relationships that you feel such time and effort is neccesary......

#2 The Art Of Letting Go
This does NOT just mean you have to forgive and forget. You must heal your hurt too. However, if you can accept and acknowledge your contribution to the situation, this will free you from residue from the conflict.
The easiest way to let go is to ask YOURSELF one question, “Which is more valuable? The idea of being right, or the relationship?”
Ideas are a dime a dozen and can change on a whim. You shouldn’t protect them with your “life” or at the expense of those you care about.  The rules and meanings you put with your actions and words are not always the same ones used by those close to you.
Avoid seeing other people’s actions through your filter of right and wrong, and how you treat others. While your highest commitment to your partner could be a dedication to being on time, he or she may not actually put value on this. You can’t take offense to something that isn’t the intentional slight you perceive it to be.
Well, you can, but you’ll be miserable if you hold onto it!

#3 Talking to your Mates
While this is an extremly effective way to get some of the burden off your chest always try to stick to one or two friends that you trust and who have a certain amount of experience and maturity to give you advice. A lot of times I have seen situations go from bad to worse due to bad advice. While in terrible situations sometimes we do require a third persons guidance or support to help us figure out what to do. Always listen to advice and try to understand what is good advice and what is bad advice. It is always better to talk to a mutual friend, that way there will be no bias in the advice whereas if you speak to a friend who only knows you or only knows your partner there is bound to be some biased advice. Remember at the end of the day friends can suggest and advice but it will be your job to take the reins and take control of the situation. The decision is ultimately yours only and noone can help you with that

#3 Do not be scared to speak your mind
Now I find this most common with Men (sorry guys but its true) that they are scared to speak there mind for fear of rejection or being shot down. Now if you are with someone who you think is special or worth making that effort for surely she understands and knows you. And while some partners ina  fit of anger might not listen it is upto you to decide how to handle the situate based on your partner. Concealing feelings never helps. If you let your partner know how you feel you would be surprised how much that helps. Women especially like a certain vunerablity in their partner rather than the cocky " I have apologized and thats enough" attitude. Tell her/him how you feel. Tell your partner how miserable you are and how you would like to resolve it. Remember unless you ask you will never know......

In the end even if your relationship ends you have to have a clear mind which said you tried a 100% before it ended and while it was your fault you still tried your best to fix it. Trust me that feeling is way better than thinking not only did you cause the break up but also that you did hardly anything to fix it........
Try this and I am sure anyone with a heart will give you a second chance!

Valentines day - Cliche or genuine?

With valentines day just over 4 days ago I thought of an interesting subject to write about. I was out for dinner with some friends and the whole topic of valentines day being a cliche about celebrating love and how couples should actually express themselves on any day rather than reserve one day a year for it...........Being the only woman in the group considered to give non gender biased opinions of course I was turned to for my take on this. This of course opened up a whole can of worms and a volley of questions which led me to write about it......


So is valentines day a big cliche? If you ask me it can be.........It would depend on using the creative side of your brain to come up with ways for it not to be......

If you ask me it's the least romantic day of the year. It doubles the cost of every restaurant, it triples the cost of a dozen roses, it's checkmate. You can't win. If you ignore Valentine's Day, she'll be pissed, and if you show up with a bundle of chocolates and flowers, you're suddenly that dopey cheeseball we'd all (including her) secretly like to slap. So how do you thread the needle?

1) No red roses

Every time I receive red roses I think to myself "how original" (sense the sarcasm)...... If you are in the country you should make an effort to pick something really unique and different. Even if you aren't around the internet is so advanced you can always find ways to order online. There are bound to be flower boutiques that will do a variety of flowers on this special day. Let me give you an example of being creative. My sister once got a rose flower bouquet from her boyfriend at the time which had 10 roses. I can see you all roll your eyes but wait.......each rose was a different colour! Indeed! There were colours ranging from blue, orange, red, black, brown, colours that I have never seen before and each rose was different! He did not get this bouquet from one store, he had to literally go from store to store buying all colours he could find till he got 10 different colours. Needless to say his effort was highly appreciated. You do want to look like a hero with your girlfriend rather than look like to rocked into a flower store and scooped up the first red rose bouquet on your way to her place

2) No chocolates please!

While I do like chocolates its almost so boring when a guy hands you a box of chocolates with his red roses. Talk about the cliche of cliches! You can always give her chocolates on any other day of the year and you choose valentines day?? You can always try a chocolate souffle instead! Sounds weird but would be different and creative. 

3) Taking her to a restaurant

One of the biggest faux pas committed by men on valentines day (or any other day for that matter) is not booking the restaurant/venue in advance. I have a friend who's (then) boyfriend left it to the last minute and no surprise there all places had been reserved days in advance. I think they ended up going to a Chucky cheese or something which automatically made him single again! See how that works?

A lot of male friends do complain to me about how valentines day is very sexist and how men are expected to plan everything. I promise you this not the case. If you have been in a long relationship you can always ask the girl to help you with arrangements, booking a restaurant or an even better thought is why don't you cook for her? There is no better way to show how much you care than to create a personalized meal all by yourself at your home. The advantage here is - you get to save on eating at an expensive restaurant and you get to improve the ambience to your tastes. If you don't like to do it indoors you can always cook and do a little picnic style mean outdoors. Obviously, don't just default to Bachelor Meal 101, pasta and marina. Get creative. Research recipes that incorporate her favorite ingredients. (Ask. In advance.) Challenge yourself. Show effort.

This would not only score you brownie points, you can avoid the whole "dating tourist" thing and feel like a schmuck for dining with a roomful of married couples who only go on "date night" once a year




4) Don't ignore the day


I've had couples say to me "oh I don't believe in valentines day, its so over-rated"........Men for starters; you could feel its some kind of big cliche and ignore the day completely but all you've done is turned into a different kind of cliché. Even if lots of girls say that they hate Valentine's Day. Very few mean it.  Maybe she will actually say, "Nah... it's no big deal, its actually to test if you would go ahead and do something anyways......so if you want to still carry on dating ignore her statement completely!


5) The gift


Now as I mentioned before a lack of specificity is the cliche of cliches - Chocolates, roses, hearts--these are cliché because they're overly generic, they speak to Every Girl, not your girl. Get her a gift, and think about something that speaks to her. Pretend, for a second, that it's not Valentine's Day but instead her birthday. What do you get her? Go with that, and then cupid-it-up with fancy wrapping paper and shit. 


You cannot--cannot--just get her flowers and a box of chocolates. This will turn you into a cheeseball. If she is lactose intolerant, she will vomit and quite probably die. If your girl likes flowers use them to accentuate another gift. If you are stuck on ideas to what get her, why not get her tickets to something. Not necessarily tickets for something on Valentine's Day itself--again, overpriced, overcrowded, overflowing with gooey couples--but tickets for some night in the future. Its intimate and could be something for couples so both of you could go together - like a nice spa date, or VIP tickets to a concert that you know she has been dying to go to.

For those men who are still trapped in the body of a 2nd grader please note self made coupon books are NO LONGER cute! You might think this is being creative and channeling your inner 9 year old making a stupid coupon book with rubbish like "good for one free massage" and stuff like that. Phuleez.......If a woman wanted a massage from a guy she wouldn't need a damn coupon book so grow up!


6) Don't be cheesy. Self depreciation works however!


One of the biggest things that women are attracted to men is vulnerability. While confidence is a huge turn on for women we also like men who have a vulnerable; self depreciating side. Its simple yet effective. Say you didn't find any other flower (because that year all men decided to be creative and buy anything but red roses) and turned up with a dozen red roses. Make a joke of it, say something along the lines of "I thought that this year, I'd be really, reeeally original and get you something no one else will get: roses!"...................She would find it really cute that you are in on the joke. I once had a guy give me flowers and (bless him) he tried to be this romantic Ken Barbie doll with his smooth moves and handed me the flowers with some cheesy stoned faced mills and boons line and I burst out laughing. Needless to say he though I was rude.


7) Don't build up expectations


If she thinks you have nothing planned and then wow her on the day with a special day planned it will be quite beneficial to the guy.......However don't make it obvious that you are planning something. One thing I've found with some people (men and women) if they plan something they get so excited they tend to drop little subtle hints here and there. I promise you it isn't romantic if the girl picks up on what you are doing. Men do this also before proposing to a girl. I will probably write a note in my next article on how men should propose (not the way just the time leading upto it). 
Remember be an anti politician - under-promise, over-deliver


8) The card


How can I forget the card that comes with the flower and chocolates....................I once got flowers from a guy with a card attached to it. What most men fail to realize is that if you have been seeing the gal for a while there is a possibility that they do know every mundane detail about you and your life. Now the card to me had some lovey dovey message written on it. The only problem was it wasn't my guys hand writing. You instantly realize your card was filled out by some puffy middle aged dude that works at Hallmark. Guys - For crying out loud don't outsource your emotions to Hallmark. You don't have to be fancy or write a poem (some of us think poems are hilarious in any case). Just a couple of straight forward simple lines that have the virtue of being yours. 


So guys try to stick to at least some of these guidelines and you can spend a nice cliche free valentines day. 


Oh! One more thing. If you get her a box of chocolates, it cannot be in the shape of a heart, it shouldn't have a big picture of Cupid with an arrow, it should cost more than a buck-ninety-nine, and it can't be sold at an Exxon station.....


Have a happy V- Day!